You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
