I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
