I'm so fucking centered right now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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