he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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