So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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