Kiss
Puke
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
