If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
