i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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