Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
