I didn't shave. On purpose
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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