I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
