I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
