He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
