How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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