also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
