I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
