what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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