So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
