i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
