meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
