I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
