someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
