The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You ate ashes out of my bong
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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