Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
