That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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