ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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