My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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