i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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