It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
