i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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