I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
