i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
