I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
