3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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