i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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