its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
