I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
