Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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