Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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