i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
