Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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