He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
