That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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