I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
