Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
