just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
