I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
