Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
