Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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