Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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