Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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