im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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